SOME JUSTICE
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My mother-in-law, the Missus, twirled
her lacquered index finger in a circular motion near her right ear. She leaned
her coiffed hair in closer to the spun beehive that her mother sported. Their
backs were to me but I could see their sarcasm.
They accused me of being crazy.
I crunched on the couch a few feet away
from the kitchen island where they conferred. I pressed my thumbs into my
temples and massaged my scalp. I wanted to cry but crying would hurt.
Every flicker of light and every smidgeon of sound exacerbated the agonizing pulsating pressure infecting my eyes and invading my mind. A hammer pounded on my skull and drove spikes through my eyes in rhythm to my every heartbeat. I needed aspirin or Tylenol but I was too nauseated and humiliated to ask for help.
Every flicker of light and every smidgeon of sound exacerbated the agonizing pulsating pressure infecting my eyes and invading my mind. A hammer pounded on my skull and drove spikes through my eyes in rhythm to my every heartbeat. I needed aspirin or Tylenol but I was too nauseated and humiliated to ask for help.
I’ve had migraines since I was born. It
took a migraine-induced stroke for the reason to be diagnosed. Until then, I went through a
gamut of medical specialists with their differing theories on the cause of my migraines
and their varied regimens of therapy.
Fluctuations
in blood flow to the brain cause the symptoms a migraine brings. These
fluctuations don’t initiate the pain but they may contribute to it. For
example, high blood pressure can cause pain in the brain, but the pain of a
migraine may cause high blood pressure. For that reason, beta-blockers and
calcium channel blockers are often prescribed. These drugs lower blood
pressure. I’ve been on several different varieties. I’m on Norvasc now. It
keeps my blood pressure from climbing to panic levels when I’m having a
migraine.
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| (what-a-migraine-feels-like) |
Serotonin is a chemical in the nervous
system associated with regulation of mood, appetite, and sleep. Serotonin is necessary for nerve
cells to communicate with each other. It is also a trigger that contracts and
narrows blood vessels throughout both the body and the brain.
Serotonin plays a role in both
migraines and depression. Thinking there may be too little serotonin in my
brain, I was given Zoloft and Prozac. These are serotonin reuptake inhibitors
(anti-depressants). I wasn’t depressed until I took them. My migraines raged
on. I stopped taking the meds. Depression is a mental health disorder.
Migraines are not.
Serotonin
levels affect both men and women but women suffer from migraines three times
more than men. Fluctuating estrogen levels play a role.
Contractions
in the brain’s blood vessels may occur when serotonin and estrogen levels rise
and fall. These contractions lead to throbbing pain. This knowledge led to the
development of the triptin class of migraine drugs. Triptins dilate the
cerebral vessels and increase the flow of blood in the brain. I take one of
them – sumatriptin. It helps cut the agony of a migraine.
Migralepsy is a word that comes from
putting together migraine and epilepsy. It was once believed that migraines
were caused by seizure activity when in truth, they are not related. I was
given high doses of Tegretol and Topamax – anti-seizure meds. They made feel
dizzy and loopy but did nothing for my migraines. I stopped taking the meds.
I was given injections of fentanyl and
steroids into the base of my skull. These procedures required me to be put
under anesthesia. The third time I received the injections, I had an allergic
reaction to fentanyl. I stopped breathing and had to be revived with three
doses of Narcan. I never consented for more.
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| (occipital-injection) |
Migraines are murder. They
disrupt the planned activities of my day and suck the joy out of my life.
Migraines don’t outwardly mark me as being disabled the way a crutch or scars
on the skin would. My migraines are invisible to everyone but me.
Nothing I do or avoid eating or drinking
prevents migraines from waking me in the middle of the night with nauseating,
head banging, excruciating pain. These migraines feel like my brain is oozing
out of my skull through my nose, eyes, and ears. I live in fear there’s a
migraine waiting to happen that I won’t survive.
On average, I have three to four
migraines a week. To soften the hammer in my head, I take rounds of Imitrex,
Migraine Excedrine, Norvasc, and ibuprofen. I’m amazed my liver isn’t dead. After
one particular miserable episode, I ended up in another emergency room with a
migraine-induced stroke. I was given a standard migraine cocktail. It
consisted of an IV bolus and injections of Benadryl, Compazine, and Toradol.
The cocktail did nothing for me except make me dizzy.
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An electroencephalogram (EEG) was followed
by a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) of my brain. An electrocardiogram (EKG)
of my heart preceded an echocardiogram (ECG) and a bubble ECG, plus a transthoracic
echocardiogram (TTE).
The cardiologist who did these
procedures found a small hole in my heart. I had partial patent foramen ovale
(PPFO). The heritage of this hole is to allow small blood clots to travel to
and create havoc in my brain. He believed these miniscule blood clots caused my
migraines. He put me on a diuretic, Hydrochlorothiazide (HCTZ) and a daily
regimen of aspirin (ASA). The goal was to break up the blood clots before they
could do any damage and to reduce the pre-load, the pressure, to my heart.
My migraines raged on while I ended up
with a permanent side effect of the HCTZ – dry eyes. I stopped taking HCTZ and
had an invasive procedure to repair my eyes.
Current
research has moved more towards the prevention of migraines. There is a new
class of drugs called biogenics. I’m seeing a neurologist next month. I hope he
prescribes this drug. It would be wonderful to sleep through the night without
the fear of waking up with another migraine.
Although chronic migraine
sufferers may eventually experience PTSD, migraines are not a psychological
disorder. Migraines are a neurological debilitating disease. There is no shame
in having either.
It’s difficult to give
forgiveness to someone who had a habit of scoffing at me while I was in the
middle of a migraine. There may be some small amount of justice in where she might
now live.
For more stories on living with migraines that
are murder:
https://www.aslongasibreathe.com/2019/07/migraines-are-murder.html
https://www.aslongasibreathe.com/2019/07/migraines-are-murder.html
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| (fire-hand) |
********
True Crime Memoir –
Survivor: As Long As I Breathe
is dedicated to:
survivors of emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual abuse,
those who have had to bury a murdered child,
former members of a religious cult based on misogyny,
children born with Cornelia de Lange Syndrome,
and anyone who was falsely accused of a crime.
********
Joyce A Lefler is a true crime survivor and the author of
From Miracle to Murder: Justice For
Adam.
She is a facilitator for Parents of Murdered Children,
a bereavement counselor, registered nurse,
and an advocate against abuse.
Connect with her:
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