A CULTURE OF MISOGYNY
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| (878-David) |
Could
Three Dog Night be wrong?
Yes.
One
is not the loneliest number.
Try
being less than nothing.
A
nonentity.
Try
being a zero.
Were
you ever last in line because no one chose you?
A
zero is invisible.
A
zero is a woman whose bruises are ignored.
The
shame of receiving them silenced me for a while.
I
cried out for help to my pastor, my father, my grandmother. My mother scoffed
at me. They told me it was my fault. It didn’t do any good to cry.
The
sweet scent of citrus was strong on the breezes coming through our open
screens. Palo Verde trees bent under their yellow flowers of spring when my
husband hit and abused me in front of our children again. His fists to the left
side of my skull split open another migraine. His screams, rage, and violence
frightened them. I believe he had murder in his mind this time.
I
needed to survive to save my children. I called emergency services when he
finished.
I never called them again.
I never called them again.
| (courtesy of woman-bruise-face) |
Two male officers
swaggered into our house. They saw the angry bruise swelling my eye, the black
tears staining my face, the tiny child in my arms whimpering with fear, the
second one hiding behind the couch. They adjusted their leather belts, stood
with legs apart, looked at me, and frowned. They turned to my husband. The
three men eyeballed each other, puffed out their chests, and nodded. It was
1976 and a culture of misogyny pervaded society. Men could do as they wished
with their wives. The younger of the two officers closed his paper pad and put
away his pen.
The older one glared at
me and said, “We don’t want to come back here. Next time, just do what he
says.”
There was no justice for
me. There was no justice for my children who witnessed. I was
a zero with the law.
There were zero shelters or orders of protection, and zero empathy or
understanding for victims of domestic violence the way there is today.
When people ask now, “Why
didn’t you just leave?” It is obvious they had zero understanding of the grief
and damage caused by the culture of misogyny back then. Women
were considered to be intellectually, spiritually, and physically inferior to
men. They needed a man to tell them how to function.
Fear plays havoc with the
mind, especially when violence cools and cycles back around to begging for forgiveness or excuses are expressed, “I was drunk,” or “I promise, if you take me back, I
will never do it again,” or worse, “you made me mad.” When the victim is told
it is her or his fault there is confusion and self-doubt.
I may have been a zero,
but my children were immeasurably wondrous miracles of God. The day I took a step back, slid over, and
shielded them from the switch in their father’s hands that was intended for
their bare skin, I took a step forward and away from fear. Breaking the cycle
of abuse became a choice for me and my children. It is the heritage I wanted to
give. I had zero money in the checking account, zero food in the cupboard,
zero credit, no cards, no history of having a job, and zero ability to support
the children without my husband’s paycheck. Not a single member of my family or
church said, “I care enough to help.”
Starting over took a
super charge of energy and courage I didn’t have. I had to dig down deep and
find those extra volts of power. I found them in the faces of my children as
fear for their father’s fists and screams was replaced with hope and joy.
Sometimes it’s not only
okay to be alone, sometimes it’s better. When time isn’t wasted on the
impossible task of pleasing an abusive partner, there’s time left over for
reflection, making lists of what I would need, and a plan to leave.
Sometimes the number one
is the best number of all. Becoming a one was the first step in becoming
who I am and who I needed to be for my children. I needed to become ME.
Getting the word out,
becoming aware, and then doing something about it, will help eliminate the
prejudice that some people have, that abuse is the victim’s fault. It’s
getting better but we have a long way to go until we make zero tolerance of
abuse the norm.
For more stories on how to stop child abuse:
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| (Better is One Day) |
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True Crime Memoir –
Survivor: As Long As I Breathe
is dedicated to:
survivors of emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual abuse,
those who have had to bury a murdered child,
former members of a religious cult based on misogyny,
children born with Cornelia de Lange Syndrome,
and anyone who was falsely accused of a crime.
********
Joyce A Lefler is the author of
From Miracle to Murder: Justice For
Adam.
She is a facilitator for Parents of Murdered Children,
a bereavement counselor, registered nurse,
and an advocate against abuse.
Connect with her:
Website:
Facebook:
Advocacy project:
Amazon:
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I would love to hear from you. If you have lost a child, if you have been falsely accused, If you are presently in or have recently escaped a controlling misogynistic relationship or religious cult, if you are being abused, you are not alone. I would love to hear from you. Please leave your e-mail address and share your story. Courteous, constructive comments are welcome. All will be monitored before publishing.